Bike Heaven or Hell?

"Moped, motorbike, scooter, motorcycle, whatever.
If it has tires, engine and a horn, it's road ready."

I believe the Vietnamese can carry anything on a moped. Their ingenuity is remarkable but their courage to embrace their ingenuity is astounding. Words fail when given the task to describe this motorbike madness. I have photographic proof of a few images, but most are quicker than the camera can capture. Here today, gone today. The mind is left in the motorbike’s dust trying to remember the unforgettable. In a Saigon taxi, I followed a six-foot, round, wooden table, somehow held precariously in the man’s lap. Face pressed against the wood, both arms stretched to the max, fingers wrapped around the edges, he was blind to the front, oblivious of the rear. How was he steering? His hands were on the table and I couldn’t even see the handlebars of the bike! As I passed the scooter, I saw the driver in front of the table, invisible from behind and also oblivious to the rear. Sigh. If only I was quicker with the camera. Hire a cyclo! Three-wheeled bikes with human engine that goes slow enough for the shutter and creeps through traffic that makes you shudder. To demonstrate the one-way means two-way means whatever way, check out these photos. In the right photo, I’m in the cyclo on the right side of the street going the “right” way. (We’re in the minority.) In the left photo, I’m in the cyclo on the left side of the street going the “wrong” way. (Still in the minority.)

Who rules the road in Scooterville? Those that make up their own rules.

Rule #1: If you have three 300-pound piggies that have to go to market, no problem. Mount two bamboo baskets on the back, wedge a pig in each one, tie another basket case pig over the bottom two. Use rope since duct tape won’t stick to pigskin. It’s also great practice for carrying three rotund tourists.
Rule #2: If there are four in your family, no problem. Dad drives with Number One Daughter in his lap, asleep at the wheel (the daughter, not the dad). Number Two Son in Mom’s lap playing a Gameboy. Got five? Take five.
Rule #3: If you can carry three boxed computers in your lap and six more strapped on the back, no problem. Or 20 cases of soda and beer. Or eight, count ‘em, eight, weigh ‘em, eight, 20-gallon plastic water containers. The carrying is no problem. Starting or stopping may be.
Rule #4: If you have several 16-foot pieces of wood or metal, no problem. Rest their front end on your back end and their back end on an extra wheel. Who says a semi-trailer needs 18 wheels? Three’s plenty in Vietnam.
Rule #5: If you don’t want to lug your eight-foot pieces of wood lengthwise and be 14-feet long, no problem. Set them sideways across the back and be eight-feet wide. You might be able to knock a pig dinner off the next scooter.  
Rule #6: If your speedometer doesn’t work, no problem. No one’s works and there’s no speed limit anyway.
Rule #7: If your head or brake lights don’t work, no problem. The other bikes, cats, rats, cattle or pigs don’t have them either. 
Rule #8: If you can figure out how to lash a hundred huge coconuts onto your scooter, no problem. They’re nuts, so are you, but you’ve got to make a living.
Rule #9: If you can fasten ANYTHING to your scooter, even a massive, lacquered, shelving unit, four-feet wide, eight-feet tall, weighing more than you, your bike, your family and your pigs, no problem. Let the pig drive, do it on a tightrope and some circus will make you a star.
Rule #10: If you don’t like going the same direction as most people on your side of the road, no problem. Go whichever way you want, whenever, wherever, however, whatever. One-way street? No problem. They’re going one way; you’re going the other one way. Go against the grain! (Against the rice?) 
Rule #11: If you want to buy a helmet, no problem. You’ll be saner, safer and one-in-a-million, but the sun will bake your head into a crisp biscuit.
Rule #12: If you don’t want to wait for the green traffic light, no problem.
Just start out into the intersection, in front of the other bikes, cars, cats and cattle, who will stop, or not, or somehow temporarily enter the spirit world to avoid you. Do not try this at home.
Rule #13: If you’re a foreigner and you’d like to rent one for the day, no problem. Update your will. Notify your next of kin. Wear a full-body, suit of armor like the knights of yore or you’re going to be wearing the road under your skin. And you don’t even want to hear about the hospitals…
Rule #14: If your horn isn’t working, PROBLEM! You’re nobody, nothing, nada! How will anyone know you’re there when there are only sixteen vietnamillion honks per second minus yours? If you’re not honking, they won’t think you’re alive and without a horn, you won’t be for long.